i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
