my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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