Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
