I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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