You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
