I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
i've created a new STD.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
