i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
