a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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