You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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