What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
