her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
