What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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