I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
