Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Randomize
