I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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