Me. At least after what I've been through.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
