A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
