If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
