I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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