I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
