we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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