i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
there is glitter all over my balls
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