My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
