I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize