There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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