She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
