I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
