Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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