i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
