What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Need sex. Gaining weight.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
