i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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