I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
