Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
