and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
