Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
