Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
