i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
