i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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