A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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