Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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