I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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