pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
