Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
someone owes me an orgasm
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize