There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
