what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
