i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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