I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
