tell your sister to shave her snatch
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
