I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
