Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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