we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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