My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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