Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
