Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
another moral hangover. fuck.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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