I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Randomize