I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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