i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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