I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
