a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
