I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Randomize