how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
