Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
