Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
