I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
