There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Randomize
