I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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