i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize