i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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