Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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