Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
