im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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