So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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