First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
